Of course, nobody would accuse the Daily Mail of hypocrisy, sympathising with Andrew Sachs after the media horribly published photos of his granddaughter in a variety of lewd poses constantly. That damn media.

The Times reports on new Government plans to require every landlord in the country to register with a central agency for the sum of £50. This fee will go solely towards paying for the organisation that manages landlords. That's the Government, giving you handy credit-crunch tips on minimizing your outgoings, every single day.

In a fabulous display of "totally missing the big picture", the press greets us today with the hugely amusing news that Jacqui Smith's husband has been watching porn at taxpayer's expense. Simple calculations show she cost us approximately 1.5 ten-thousandth of a penny each, so this is all very serious stuff.

How absolutely wonderful. What fun. As the news unfolds about Labour MP Tony McNulty's expense claims, we learn that 20 other London MPs are claiming "second house" expenses.

The Pope, continuing God's holy work of worrying over where everyone's willy is at any given time, has again reminded us that putting a plastic sheath around the penis is immoral, but Holocaust Denial is cool.

News that the Government is ignoring its own experts regarding the minimum price per unit of alcohol, supported by the Lib Dems, come as no suprise. Dedicated to spinning, but never actually taking the tough decisions that benefit the country pretty much sums up New Labour.

In what was the most obviously-going-to-happen thing in the country. Lord Ahmed, a Labour peer was released early from prison today after being convicted of Dangeous Driving.

Life would be awful.

Yes, inbetween my frequent conversations with Kate Winslet, who apparently joined the Liberal Democrats recently, I have been keeping myself up to date with the news. Shocked, I was, to read in The Mail, that laughing at someone's beard is now a crime. Has it really come to this, I thought?

Once again, my book collection gets me in to trouble.